Ferociously Observant

It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not. -Anon.

I am not Nostradamus. 30 March 2008

Filed under: Ponderings — ferociouskater @ 2:42 pm

I am conflicted about dreams.

On one side sits my psychology prof from college. She says that dreams are nothing more than random firings of neurons in my brain that occur during REM sleep as a way to help the body regenerate and re-organize.

On the other side, there is the 7th grade me, who bought books like The Secret Language of Birthdays and wants to believe with all her might that everything I dream means something more significant and prophetic than anything I could ever think up on my own.

Whenever I wake up the next morning and really think about my dreams, I turn in the 7th grade me and my dreams seem to really mean something. I remember in 7th or 8th grade when we had a very stormy summer, and I woke up one morning having dreamed of tornadoes ripping through the countryside near my house. Now this wasn’t a stretch of a dream – I was in my “tornado chaser” phase and lived for the summer months. But later that day we did see tornadoes rip through the nearby countryside, causing a lot of damage, and I thought back to my dream and felt like Nostradamus.

But every time I think of my dreams this way, every time I write them down or think about what each element in them could symbolize, I hear the voice of my prof again. “Random. Neurons. Firing.” They mean nothing, Kate, they are simply biological.

I consider myself a pretty skeptical person, on the whole. I cannot wrap my head around religion. I have come to terms with the fact that there are no zombies, or vampires, or ghosts – at least not like in the movies. There has been evidence of water, etc. on other planets and this is a very large universe, so the verdict is still out on aliens. But I digress. I think I’m having a problem with the meaning of my dreams because I don’t want to fall into that camp. I don’t want to suddenly be someone who’s buying dream dictionaries and making large life decisions based on what happens during REM sleep.

But by trying so hard to stay out of this camp, doesn’t that mean I might be missing what could be nothing more than a great way to explore some repressed feelings? I just read over a dream I had months before my wedding, in which I discovered that squirrels had taken over the reception and invited all the wrong people and had put “No Gifts” on the invitations. There must have been some reason I wrote this dream down. I was obviously nervous about planning a wedding. Was the dream a way for my body to calm me down, with humor and squirrels?

So I remain conflicted about dreams, but I think I can stay short of crossing the line to “Crossing Over” status by remaining rational about them, and think of them as somewhere in between random and prophetic – maybe they are just what the X-Files said they were: “answers to questions we haven’t yet figured out how to ask.”

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House 22 March 2008

Filed under: Randoms — ferociouskater @ 3:25 pm

This week we found out that Tom got a residency spot here in Saginaw, so we will be staying at least another three years. Upon learning this news we have been going back and forth on the rent vs. buy issue, which in today’s market (especially in Saginaw) is an important one if you don’t want to stay here forever. Tom changes his mind just about every day, but today we’re going to look at a little house that has been in the possession of medical resident after resident. It looks good on paper, so in a few hours we’ll see if it looks that good for real. I’m really excited at the prospect of this house – it’s adorable and our mortgage payments wouldn’t be any more than we’re paying now. I’m torn between freaking out at such a life-solidifying event and shrugging it off as a good financial decision and nothing more. Still not planning on starting a family anytime soon, so I can put off feeling like a grownup for a little while longer, right?

 

Start New Session 16 March 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — ferociouskater @ 2:57 pm

When my internet browser crashes, and I open it back up, it asks me if I want to restore the previous session or start a new one. I wish, upon asking myself a similar question in my own life, I could just as easily click “Start New Session” as I can “Restore Previous Session.”

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Spring Morning 12 March 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — ferociouskater @ 5:30 pm

I want to be the bird that lived on high:

Where am I going? I don’t quite know.
Down to the stream where the king-cups grow —
Up on the hill where the pine-trees blow —
Anywhere, anywhere. I don’t know.

Where am I going? The clouds sail by,
Little ones, baby ones, over the sky.
Where am I going? The shadows pass,
Little ones, baby ones, over the grass.

If you were a cloud, and sailed up there,
You’d sail on water as blue as air,
And you’d see me here in the fields and say:
“Doesn’t the sky look green today?”

Where am I going? The high rocks call:
“It’s awful fun to be born at all.”
Where am I going? The ring-doves coo:
“We do have beautiful things to do.”

If you were a bird, and lived on high,
You’d lean on the wind when the wind came by,
You’d say to the wind when it took you away:
“That’s where I wanted to go today!”

Where am I going? I don’t quite know.
What does it matter where people go?
Down to the wood where the blue-bells grow —
Anywhere, anywhere. I don’t know.

-A. A. Milne

 

Trying to Pause… 8 March 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — ferociouskater @ 8:57 pm

Being stuck here at my parents’ house due to the snow has forced me to slow down, having nowhere to go and nothing that must be done.

And my attention was brought to this sonnet, and I find solace in its lines. As writers, we must learn to slow down and take note of the world around us, and not get caught up in the lack of stores to shop in, movies to go and see, or parties to attend.

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers:
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon;
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers;
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.–Great God! I’d rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn.

William Wordsworth

 

An Opportunity

Filed under: Uncategorized — ferociouskater @ 1:20 am

Tonight, I intended to drive to Wooster to see some old friends from high school. In true form, I picked the weekend that the whole of Northeast Ohio is being hit by a massive blizzard. So I made it the four hours to Lakewood, my parents’ place, an stopped. Tomorrow I will attempt to make the trek the rest of the way to Wooster, an hour south, yet this blizzard is supposed to get worse tomorrow, so we’ll see. I may have just suffered through 4 hours of terrifying snow-driving just to sit in my parents’ condo all weekend (which is what I did last week when I was down here expressly to see them). 

Regardless…

I went to dinner by myself tonight (as my socialite parents had previous engagements) and ate some really good Mediterranean food at Aladdin’s Eatery. I did a little journaling while I was there (yes, I was one of those people) so I thought I’d share it.

I am currently diving into a bowl of V-Nine soup. My parents and I have tried, on multiple occasions, to find all nine varieties of vegetables, and have always come up short – but no matter. It is still one of the best soups I have ever tasted. The finely crumbled feta tops it off perfectly, and the accompanying pita bread begs to be dunked.

Next to the window I can see the city being blanketed with snow, and though the ambiance-inducing lights of the restaurant make it a tad hard to see my page, it is occasionally illuminated by the headlights of the passing cars on the street outside. To them, the drivers, this is perhaps an ordinary Cleveland Friday night in early March. They are inching their Hondas and Toyotas home, or to dinner parties, or to the video store, and as they pass I wonder if they ponder just as much about the girl eating alone at the corner cafe, hunched over a notebook? Can they see the vast opportunity that such a night has given me? Impossible. And that’s too bad.  

 

All You Can Ask For 5 March 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — ferociouskater @ 8:29 pm

I have a good friend from high school who has always seemed to be a bit of a dreamer. We never really took him all that seriously when he’d talk about what he’d do with his life, and we shook our heads when he ignored the seemingly grounded talents (such as botany) for loftier ones (punk rocking). He’s still chasing some sort of pipe dream, to be a professional stand-up comedian, and it seems to be going rather well despite the fact that he still lives at home with his parents.

My friend pretty much embodies that wild, nonsensical side of everyone that wants to rip off the suit and tie and take up professional surfing. But sometimes, amidst quoting obscure rock songs and saying rather offensive things about little people, he’s kind of prophetic. Today when I told him I was going to get an MFA in creative writing, had been working at a job I rather liked and spending a lot of time with friends, he said, “That’s all you can ask for, a job and friends and a future.”

And then I sat back and thought about it and smiled. I thought about my job, which I consider more of a hobby, my friends, who I couldn’t be without, and my future, which at this point is looking pretty bright. And then even though he followed such words with some off-color remark about little people, I was comforted all the same.

Thanks, Josh.

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