Ferociously Observant

It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not. -Anon.

For the Moment II 20 July 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — ferociouskater @ 12:06 pm

Last year, about this time, I posted this blog. At the end, I questioned whether or not these “for the moment” good feelings could be carried into other seasons. As a year has passed, I’ve learned that it wasn’t just last summer that allowed us to bask in these moments. It was the promise of friendship, excitement and stability. It was knowing where everyone was and everyone was going to be. It was being with the ones we love and care about, doing the most exciting things we could within the surroundings we had.

I’ve gone back to read last year’s post several times, and tried to think about how I can re-instate such wonderful feelings. It’s been hard, with our best friends moving away, money being tight, and Tom working all the time. It’s also been hard as I have a very exciting September ahead. I’m finding that living for the moment has gotten harder, and I wonder where I lost it along the way. Am I not as happy as I was last summer? I’ve been to Cayman, to school, to Illinois to see my grandma and relax. I’ve enjoyed my job more, spent a lot of time at the coffee shop, attended a few more local events. I’m writing and reading for school, and keeping my mind active. And yet, I find myself either pining for last spring or looking forward to this fall more than anything.

Perhaps there will always be things we miss in our lives. But how do we get past that, just for the moment anyway, to be able to open our eyes as to not miss what might be right in front of us?


A Guest in My Own Home 10 July 2008

Filed under: Ponderings — ferociouskater @ 6:20 pm

Today I told my therapist that sometimes I feel lonely at home by myself.

She asked me whether or not I treated myself like a guest in my own home. Do you go out of your way to make you feel welcome? She asked.

I thought about it and decided that I probably didn’t. She nodded. I made a mental note to sit myself down with a cup of tea and let myself indulge in a good movie more often. Or treat myself to some chocolate milk. Or ask myself, wouldn’t you just adore a dip in the pool? It doesn’t matter that no one’s here. I’m good company, aren’t I? Of course I am.


You People Amuse Me. 9 July 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — ferociouskater @ 11:46 am

To the woman I so graciously assisted at work last night:
I’m so glad I could spare fifteen minutes of my shift to help you look for the perfect book on codependency.
And then, it was so lovely to be accused of hiding the good books on trust issues. Even though your boyfriend held the one you wanted the whole time.
It’s customers like you that really make me feel appreciated and needed. Oh, and make me laugh my ass off for days afterwards.
Thank You.


Making New Friends 8 July 2008

Filed under: Ponderings — ferociouskater @ 2:54 pm

Sunday night, Tom and I went to Lawn Chair Film Festival, which is one of my favorite parts of summer. This week’s movie was a French film, My Best Friend, about François who has no friends, no potential friends, and no ability to make new friends. He is emotionally cut off from everyone, including his daughter. In a Taming of the Shrew plotline, he has to prove he has at least one friend, one best friend, or lose a valuable vase he has won at auction.
The plotline is very predictable, with only a few cute little twists and turns here and there. But the storyline wasn’t what made me think long after the credits had rolled. It was this notion, this idea that we make friends almost seamlessly but when faced with the task of breaking down this mechanism, we are stumped. It isn’t until we are faced with the process of having to make new friends that we sit back and think about it.
How soon after we start making regular plans with someone do we start calling him or her a friend? And what is it that makes us start using this label instead of “co-worker,” “acquaintance,” “neighbor,” etc.? It wasn’t until our best friends moved away that I realized that because they were always around I didn’t bother meeting too many others. Now that they are gone, I am forced to branch out. But, like François, I find myself a little stumped.
I never thought of myself as a shy person, but in this arena I am. I have always had a bit of an anxiety about inviting new people out to do things. I’m sure it has something to do with a fear of rejection. Even as a little kid I hated to hear my friends say that they couldn’t come over. So I tended to wait for them to call me, which made for a lot of lonely days and later, in high school, weekends. It’s disconcerting to think that I’ve carried this fear throughout the years to adulthood, and wonder if sticking my neck out there more will help me get over it. I miss my friends but in a way, I’m sort of glad that I’m being forced to face this.
Thankfully, unlike François, I’m generally liked. And also unlike him, I have no problem striking up conversations with strangers. I just have to make the first move afterwards, and call if they give me their number. Or, if they don’t, ask for it. And I should probably be practicing this skill now, while I’m still surrounded by familiarity, rather than trying to hone it cold turkey once I get to Boston. So hopefully, throughout the next couple weeks, I will be uncharacteristically boisterous with calling people to do things. So if I call you and you really can’t go out with me, please break it to me nicely.


Pop Tarts and TV 6 July 2008

Filed under: Ponderings,Randoms — ferociouskater @ 4:26 pm
Tags: , ,

Pop Tarts are like TV sitcoms. They have absolutely no nutritional value. They fill you up, sure, but you’re not left with anything of substance when you’re done. But while you’re eating them, you’re happy. Which is, I think, the primary purpose of both Pop Tarts and sitcoms. And I think as long as you realize this you should be free from ridicule for indulging in either. So excuse me while I watch “Friends” and finish my snack.