Ferociously Observant

It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not. -Anon.

Be Strong, Be Fierce, Get Over It. (New Blog) 28 August 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — ferociouskater @ 3:09 pm

Having arrived at my parents’ condo in Lakewood, I am reminded all the more that I am a guest here by the fact that my father is at work and my mother is doing some sort of volunteering job until dinnertime. I have to beg the office manager to let me in. When this does not work, I have to have my mother call him. I am now sitting on these leather chairs they would have never had while I lived at home, wondering about a fancy charity dinner we are all three attending later this evening, and second-guessing my decision on stopping here on the way to stepping off into the unknown. As usual, I feel a mixture of comfort and discomfort common when  you are visiting your parents’ home in which you have never lived.

I asked a friend last night what the hell I thought I was doing. He threw my own words back at me about adventuring, told me I was strong and fierce, and to get over it.

Please visit my new blog at
phoenixkater.blogspot.com

And now I think I will watch the Blue Angels practice maneuvers from my parents’ balcony, because no one can ever gain the soul of a writer indoors lamenting on her keyboard.

 

Books as Friends 26 August 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — ferociouskater @ 11:19 pm

I love reading. I love books. But sometimes, when I finish one that has been particularly good to me, I feel like I’ve lost a friend. And I don’t really know what to do afterwards. Do I read it again? Do I go read the reviews? Do I call up my mother and make her read it next? Do I cry? (I will admit that sometimes I cry.)

I’ve decided that as a writer, I don’t need to make a million dollars, or have millions of copies of my books in print. I just want someone to feel they have lost a friend when they’ve finished reading something I’ve written. Or slow down the last few chapters to make it last longer. Or crack it open and immediately start reading again. If my writing can do this for one person, I will be happy.

 

Thanks, Miss Smith 23 August 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — ferociouskater @ 3:07 pm

My 5th grade gym teacher had a framed poster in her office. It said, “You Miss 100% of the Shots You Don’t Take.” It was a basketball sign, and for a while I took it literally (probably one of the reasons I didn’t make the team). Now of course I know it applies to life, the universe, and everything – the only time you are completely destined to failure is when you “play it safe” and don’t even try.

I’m going to see if I can track down Miss Smith’s old poster, because I’d like to take this mantra with me on my adventure to Boston. So I don’t miss anything.

 

Autophobia 21 August 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — ferociouskater @ 9:41 am

As excited as I have been about this trip to Boston, over the last few days another, meaner feeling has crept in and taken over my mind. It’s pure, unadulterated fear. I fear loneliness, and suddenly I am faced with the good possibility it will grip me a lot of the time while I am away. I’ve never done this before – when I went off to college I was immediately surrounded by dorm mates, many with whom I still keep in contact to this day. When I left college and moved out to Maine, I was moving in with Tom. And now I’m here. And while I thought I could be stronger in this move, in this new adventure, something has happened and I am now reluctant to put even my big toe into the water. That strangling, suffocating fear of being alone takes hold of me, and I can’t imagine enjoying anything that is going to be out there to enjoy unless I am accompanied. I am confused about my choices, I no longer see a clear picture of my future, and worst of all, I’m letting it make my last few days here complete hell.

I think part of it is that I am leaving in only a week, but I still have a week of being here (mostly alone) to get more and more nervous. If I had it my way, and I wasn’t scheduled for work, and I didn’t have responsibilities here at home, I would have left already, to make it begin instead of waiting with choking anticipation. Because deep down I know, logically, that I will have a good experience there, and I’ll be able to see this the minute I arrive. But right now my heart is so mangled I can’t see through the haze of fear, anxiety, depression, loneliness, and confusion. This isn’t what an adventure is supposed to begin with, is it?

 

Customer Service 19 August 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — ferociouskater @ 2:51 pm

While I try my hardest not to let rude customers bother me, sometimes I am shaken anyway. And lately, instead of huffily taking care of the next customer (who might be perfectly cheery and nice), I take a moment to feel sorry for that rude customer. Rude people can’t be happy, deep down. Somewhere in their lives, they are lonely, or unfulfilled, or frustrated, and the only way they can look at the world is by thinking everyone is out to get them. So they come into my line, interrupt me as I’m just trying to do my job, and attempt to make themselves feel better by making me feel awful. I soldier on, not missing a beat, and try to give them the biggest sincere smile I can muster before they stalk off. More often than not, I probably look more constipated than sincere, but I attempt it anyway. And then I turn to my next customer, knowing the chance is very low that he or she is also that rude, and start all over again. But I still try and feel bad for that rude old man, or that snappy woman, and wonder how things got bad enough to make them act that way.

I hope no matter how frustrating things get in my life, I never resort to that withdrawn, bitter place.

 

Life 18 August 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — ferociouskater @ 9:48 pm

“Let me go through life the way we are, after all is said and done, meant to: shocked.”

Rachel Kadish, Tolstoy Lied

 

Zombie Doctor

Filed under: Uncategorized — ferociouskater @ 12:01 pm

This afternoon, as I was checking on my nice, 3cm-long scar on my hip from a mole removal, I had a random thought – when people dress up like monsters, pirates, zombies, etc. and draw scars, why do they always include the cross-lines of sutures? I don’t know many emergency room doctors that would sew up a zombie, and as far as I know there weren’t many Urgent Care facilities in the Caribbean rum ports. Is it just because the stitch marks make the scar more recognizable as a scar?

Maybe this Halloween I will dress up as, instead of a zombie, a zombie’s doctor.